“Why am I Watching This?”

 “Why am I Watching This?”:

Movies that Make You Check Under the Bed

By: Meg Humphrey

In the aftermath to my spoooooky book recommendations, I realized that maybe sitting down and powerhouse reading through 300+ page novels isn’t your thing. Don’t worry! I compiled a list of the most “WTF IS THIS” “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED” “LOL WHY AM I WATCHING THIS” movies to get you in the mood for dark and stormy nights!

Starring William Defoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg

This movie. I don’t even know. The plot is simple enough – a married couple visits their cabin in order to help the wife recover from deep depression over their child’s death. Suddenly, ONLY CRAZY **** HAPPENS. This includes mutilation of private areas, bear traps, and sudden demon worshiping. It’s gory, has extremely unpleasant sexual content, and doesn’t make any sense.  That said, it’s worth the watch for horror aficionados.

Dead Alive
Directed by Peter Jackson

This list wouldn’t be complete without at least ONE zombie movie, right? Before Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson was busy directing and producing over the top horror flicks. During one terrible-movies-rented-from-Scarecrow-movie-night, I saw this movie and it was just the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. Blood. Really fake looking blood. Really fake looking blood EVERYWHERE. There’s no shortage of gore, violence, creative use of zombies, and things that make you shout “GROOOOOOOOSS” at the TV. A super fun movie for those who can stomach it!

The Host
Directed by Joon-ho Bong

Korea is very good at putting humor where it doesn’t belong! There were plenty of places to giggle through the movie despite the carnage. A terrible tentacle’d monster emerges in Seoul, attacking everything in its wake. The government attempts to quarantine, but the monster, as well as our spunky protagonist family, refuse to stay put! Monster aside, The Host sends a message about the danger of government cover-ups as well as the resolve of families to rescue their loved ones.

Event Horizon
Starring Dr. Grant Sam Niell, Morpheus Laurence Fishburne, and Lucius Malfoy Jason Isaacs (<3)

This movie rocks my world every time I watch it. The crew of the “Lewis and Clark” is sent out to investigate the sudden reappearance of the long lost “Event Horizon.” Of course, they find the entire crew dead (or missing) and start experiencing terrifying and fatal hallucinations of their own. This is sci-fi horror at its finest!

Rohtenburg (English title Grimm Love)
Starring Keri Russell

Based on the real life events of Armin Meiwes, Russell plays a graduate student doing research into cannibal killer Oliver Hartwin. This movie shows the dangers of the internet (how Hartwin found his victim), as well as how normal folk can get consumed by their fascination with something so taboo and macabre like cannibalism and murder. I left the theatre not feeling grossed out or outraged by what happened, instead I felt sorry for everyone in the movie as it was incredibly emotionally charged. I highly recommend watching it in its original German!

House of 1,000 Corpses
Directed by Rob Zombie

This movie makes me want to vomit. Therefore, an A+ horror movie! Although a little on the kitschy side due to the 1970s look and feel, it’s chock full of cannibalism, incest, torture, and more! I expected nothing less from Rob Zombie.

Jisatsu Circle and Noriko no Shokutaku (Suicide Club and Noriko’s Dinner Table)

Now I will admit right now that I haven’t watched these. I asked my BFF Matthew for his recommendations (as he is a big horror buff) and these were the first that popped in his head. Out of curiosity I went to Wikipedia and read the summary. O.M.F.G. I haven’t even seen them and I understand why these terrify him (and he’s not scared of ANYTHING). I’m still feeling REALLY UNSETTLED and slightly queasy two hours later just from reading about the movies. Of course, I am now desperate to watch them (because I am an IDIOT). Please check these out if you are a big horror fan, but be warned: JAPAN IS NUMBER ONE IN THE FIELD and these may be the crème de la crème.

Some honorable mentions:
Saw (THE ORIGINAL!! If I didn’t already check my backseats before getting into my car, I sure did after seeing this)
Slither (It has Nathan Fillion in it!)
Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (Gory and Hilarious!)
Audition (Japanese – not for those with eye phobias)
Poughkeepsie Tapes (Haven’t seen it (read the summary). Should never see it. Will probably watch it and stay awake for days.)
The X-Files episode “Home” (CREEPY MUTATED INCEST AHOY)