I Can’t Even: Horror Movies I Will Never Watch Again
By: Meg Humphrey
It’s no secret I love horror movies of all kinds. I’ve even sat through Cannibal Holocaust and The Human Centipede 2. Sci-fi Horror, psychological horror, super gory horror, totally weird horror that doesn’t make any sense – I’ll take it all. But despite my strong stomach and tolerance of staged depravity, there are some that I refuse to watch.
Ernest Scared Stupid
No doubt the most unusual item on this list, but this movie upset me terribly as a child. I know that this movie is supposed to be lighthearted Halloween fun for the whole family, but I seriously believed that the things in the movie could happen. What if I accidentally unleashed an evil troll just by goofing around and making some thumping noises? Plus the troll was really gross looking. This is one movie I won’t be sharing with my future kids.
A Nightmare on Elm Street/Any Freddy Krueger Movie
Another childhood trauma, A Nightmare on Elm Street was too much for me to handle. I know subsequent sequels have gotten more and more comical, but the first movie and Freddy are enough to keep me away from the franchise. I mean, a murderer who kills you in your dreams? Their purpose is to make you stay awake at night.
Home-invasion is the horror sub-genre that I have the hardest time dealing with. If it’s a ghost or a demon, then I’m okay, but if it’s just normal people being terrible? No thank you. Many hail The Strangers as being frightening, suspenseful, and creating a feeling of realness that horror doesn’t often get right. So basically it’s a “never” on my to-watch list despite how much I like Liv Tyler.
The Puppet Master
I remember watching this movie when I was four years old. I was clutching my stuffed dolphin (his name was Dolcini – he was a magician) while sitting on the floor in front of my Pa. I hardly slept for a month after that because I kept seeing tiny shadows moving about my room – groups of dolls wandering around, up to who knows what. In hindsight, I know that this is one of those spectacularly cheesey 80’s horror movies that does such a good job at being so bad, but I definitely saw it much too young to appreciate it for those reasons.
This wasn’t scary or gory or thoughtful or unique or anything of note. It was just plain bad and a waste of time.